Striving after the wind...

As we read in Ecclesiastes tonight I had to stop and ask myself, Am I striving after the wind? Over and over again Ecclesiastes tells us that trying to do things our way and trying to fill God’s place in our lives with something of our own choosing, is like striving after the wind.

I think a lot of times I start off with my focus on God and it seems to quickly change to what does he want me to do. Does that make sense? So rather than saying God lead me and use me I am saying where does God want to use me, and not actually looking to him for the answer. Hopefully that makes sense :)

Anyways I don't want to be taking Gods place in my life or putting something else there which I tend to do and then thankfully it's as if God is snapping saying Hello I'm over here, you're not going to get anywhere worthwhile until you put your focus back on me. And it's true! I am so thankful that he always directs my focus back to him, and usually quickly, but I don't want to lose focus in the first place!

I like to look at the future, and have a plan. My mind set is, once you get here it's going to be easier...but that isn't true. Ecclesiastes talks about living in the now, and finding joy in it. It also says "enjoy your youth" and to "walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes." It is always important to look around verses, the verse goes on to say, "But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement." So in other words...Follow your heart...but your heart needs to be following God.

Gods intention is for us to enjoy life! So that's what I will do! I'll keep fixing my eyes back on him no matter how many times I have to do it, and stay humble. I don't deserve Gods mercy, and I never want to think that I am deserving or that I can do this on my own. Thank you God for your grace!

The book ends with this...

"Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil."

I want to follow God and I believe that as I follow him I will find joy in the now!

It’s so easy to forget

 that your mercy has redeemed us

 In the midst of all of this 

how could I believe 

that I am one bit deserving.

 ...

 I fix my eyes upon your cross 

I stand in amazement of your mercy that is 

new every morning

 that covers me 

and its all I need

 I'm so undeserving

...

Sometimes I get so caught up in this life 

and the lie that I can save myself

 and I get nowhere 

and I can’t see you

 but I want to

...

So I fix my eyes upon your cross 

I stand in amazement of your mercy that is

new every morning

 that covers me 

and its all I need

 I'm so undeserving

...

I don’t want to fall away

 I don’t wanna believe that I can measure up to you

 the only way that I am saved

 is through grace alone

 and I put my faith in you 

I put my faith in you

 I am so undeserving 

I’m so undeserving

 of your love

 and your mercy 

and your grace 

I’m so undeserving 

so undeserving 

...

 I fix my eyes upon your cross 

I stand in amazement of your mercy that is

new every morning

 that covers me 

and its all I need

 I'm so undeserving

Let love shine through...

Time goes by so fast! I cannot believe it is already summer! Well almost. My goal this summer is not to waste it, let me be more specific, I want to do things this summer that won't just be "in the moment" things, but things that will last forever!
 On August 23rd it will be Davids one year anniversary with us! I am so excited but there is also a reality that he could be gone soon. Same with the other boys! I can't even think about it without wanting to just cry, they mean so much to me! Rather than spending this summer dreading the day they might have to leave I want to be making memories with them. Memories that will stick with me and the boys! I want to set a good example for them and see them grow! I love seeing them work together and have conversations. David and Paedon, no matter how many times they get on my nerves, are so compassionate and loving. They're teaching me too!
I don't know why it is so hard for me to show compassion and kindness to my own biological sisters, but I need to be showing them extra love. I need to be living everyday as if it were my last...because it just might be! I want to let love shine through in the best of times and worst!
Lord, I am so sorry for my selfishness that seems to get in the way of everything! I never want to make people feel bad about themselves, I want to make them feel loved! Help me show the love and kindness you've shown me, to my family, and friends, and strangers. I don't want to keep my doors closed and never let anyone in God. My pride gets in the way so much of the time Lord. Even when I know I have done something wrong I never want to admit it. So I pray that you would open the doors of my heart, that love and kindness, and everything good would come pouring out onto those around me, and that I wouldn't try so hard to hide my faults! I fall so much God and I am so thankful that you never fail to pick me up again, thank you for the people you have put in my life to pick me up too! Help me to truly follow in your steps!

Open the doors of my heart

and let everything out

If we're all hiding

how will the world ever know

the greatness of our Lord

I'm gonna open up the doors

Day 40

I am looking forward to the rest of the year! Well looking forward to seeing where the Lord leads me and my family. I have to admit though I'm not super excited about going to college next year. I don't like change, and this will be a big one! I'm trusting the Lord though! Over the past forty days I have been way to focused on wanting to see immediate change! I don't like how my focus can get off of God so easily! I'm reading a book called, To know you more, I've only read a few pages, but it is good! I can relate to it so much! One of the things the author said really stuck out to me, he said, "... I can see that God didn't allow me to find fulfillment in the things of this world so that I would have a hunger for something deeper."  Even when my focus gets off of God, I am never able to find fulfillment in that, and just like he said I have a hunger inside of me for something more. As I continue on this journey I would like to say sorry to Dani, she's the one I asked to do this with me, plus she is family, and I haven't been treating her the way I should be. I love you Dani!  I want to be like Jesus and I am determined to follow in His steps,  and keep my focus on Him!

Water!!!

 It's crazy how I can take things for granted! Check out this story posted by World Vision. 

When water makes you angry...

My goal is to someday not just give money to these organizations but go to these countries and make a difference. To be able to give someone a clean cup of water and while they drink tell them about the living water that comes from the Lord! 

Whoever believes in me, as^[f] the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’

 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Without Jesus

My sister and I have been on a songwriting frenzy lately! I love it! It's clear to me that  singing and songwriting  are the ways I express a lot of things to the Lord, but sometimes I feel like that's it. Whenever I start to do something a lot, it seems like that something is what my focus is on constantly! I mean I can just be talking with God and say something and immediately think  I COULD USE THAT IN A SONG! Not that that is bad but it doesn't make me feel connected to God like it used to.
  Last night I was praying and saying just that, how I feel like I've taken something that potentially is good (music), but have turned it into my focus, when my focus should always be on God , which makes me start to feel, well horrible. I hate it whenever I feel like He is not near, and it makes me begin to doubt, and that doubt makes me feel like He doesn't hear my prayers, when the evidence throughout my life shows that He does! I wanted this to change so badly! A picture came to my mind, if I'm depending on myself, then when I fall I would have to catch myself. I don't think that is even possible! You can stop a full face plant with your hands but you can't catch yourself, you can't carry your broken body to a place of peace and comfort. If I depend on other people it is possible that they could fall with me, but if I let God be my Savior, like he intended, I have nothing to fear! His arms will never tire, His love will never fail me.
Once again I had to say, Lord forgive me for taking my eyes off of you. Like Peter as soon as I take my eyes off of you I start to sink!  Although I don't like the pain that comes with it, I do love it when you realize that He is right there, that He has been there all along, you refocus and you can get back up! It shows just how real my God is! I long for a more intimate relationship with the Lord, that doesn't sway even for a second!
 Dani wrote a song yesterday and starting from the bridge it goes like this," when I forget how to believe, would you show me...You are there in the rain, you are there in the storm. When I feel so afraid you are there to keep me warm. You are my life, you are my love, you are my Lord. You are my life, you are my love, you are my hope." It is really beautiful!
I heard a new song from Shane & Shane, and I feel like it is a really good thing to remember. So as I continue to write songs, to speak boldly to people, or whatever I'm doing I need to remember...

Just three chords and a melody
Won't leave you a living legacy
Without Jesus
Just four songs and a parable
Might leave you something terrible
Just five bucks in an offering
Won't buy you some prosperity
Just a sixth sense of morality
Won't get you out of your depravity
Without Jesus, oh, without Jesus

You could memorize
Become a Mennonite
You could speak in tongues
And raise the dead to life
You could build a big church
Call it ministry
Teach 'em all they need to know to run a family
You could sell it all
Be burned at the stake
But what in the world have you to ever gain
Without Jesus, oh, without Jesus

If all I ever get out of laying my life down
Is thorns in the shape of a crown
On the brow of a man from Nazareth
And if all I get is what Jesus did,
And said, and put within my heart
Then I get it all
I have it all
Oh, I have it all
Everything is mine
Oh, I have it all
I have it all

Counting Up The Cost.

Let me start off by saying...ISN'T OUR GOD AWESOME!

You are meant for more! This life was meant to be given away. What do I mean by that? Luke 14:25-33 talks more about the subject, in fact the words spoken by Jesus in this passage are so key to the way we are meant to live our life. Jesus tells us we are to DIE to ourselves. That we need to be willing to walk away from everything. To turn your back on EVERYTHING! Have you thought about that?
As I embark on this journey I am struck with this idea of giving up everything. Am I willing to leave my family, if that is what it comes too? Am I willing to give up the possessions that mean so much to me? We are using the book Multiply in our family Bible study and within the first few pages you are given some HARD questions to ask yourself. I would encourage you to check it out, and ask yourself, What will it cost you? Please, don't just read this and walk away from it. I can't tell you how critical this is, and how we cannot take this lightly! Check out the Multiply website, it has an online copy of the book for free. I have decided to place my faith in Him, and follow in His steps. Will you?

Give me your eyes!

I think a big part of growing is being able to see the areas that you struggle in, and being willing to change. I recently received a letter from my sponsor sister and she told me that due to financial problems she was out of school. Well today alone I have said how much I dislike school probably like 20 times. I got home and remembered that she had told me that, so I brought it up to my dad. Immediately it hit me how selfish I am! Not even 5 minutes before, I had been talking about saving up my money to by drums, and eventually a guitar for myself resulting in thousands of dollars spent, while this 16 year old girl had recently been taken out of school because her family could not afford it. I had been complaining about how hard school is and how I just don't want to do it, while there is a girl my age, no not just a girl, thousands of kids who are unable to attend school due to financial issues, sickness, etc. things that can really quite easily be prevented. I mean just with a thousand dollars that I could easily spend on a guitar I could be supporting a family in Zimbabwe, for I believe 10 weeks!
 It's ridiculous that I can walk around my kitchen full of food and say to myself, what should I eat? when there are so many people in this world who are literally starving. The fact that I can find my self saying, "I'm starving!" sickens me! How could I be so selfish!
So we have established that I am selfish. Now the question is, how can I change that?
Mark 10:21 says this, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”
We are not all necessarily called to sell all of our possessions, but before this verse a man had approached Jesus and said, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?", the man had kept all of the commandments, but there was one thing holding him back that Jesus saw, his possessions. After Jesus had told him to sell everything and give to the poor the man left because he was unable to do so. He was holding on to tight to his earthly treasures. 
What am I holding onto? Is my faith truly in my Heavenly Father? Do I really believe that he will provide for me? Absolutely! My selfish desires get in the way so much! They will always try and creep up on me, but I would much rather follow Jesus and inherit eternal treasure than to collect treasures on this earth. I would much rather live simply and know that I am providing food, medical attention, etc. to those who need it, than to be living in the nicest house with every instrument, or whatever. I say all this to challenge myself and whoever else might be reading this...what are you going to let control you? Are you going to live selfishly or selflessly? I choose to live selflessly! I know that I may have to recommit every day, but if that is what it takes I will do it! I want to be living totally and completely for God! I don't want be holding on to anything except for God, who will never leave me!
Thank you Jesus for all of the many blessings you have lavished upon me and my family! I pray that rather than having my eyes on me, you would...
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see