Striving after the wind...

As we read in Ecclesiastes tonight I had to stop and ask myself, Am I striving after the wind? Over and over again Ecclesiastes tells us that trying to do things our way and trying to fill God’s place in our lives with something of our own choosing, is like striving after the wind.

I think a lot of times I start off with my focus on God and it seems to quickly change to what does he want me to do. Does that make sense? So rather than saying God lead me and use me I am saying where does God want to use me, and not actually looking to him for the answer. Hopefully that makes sense :)

Anyways I don't want to be taking Gods place in my life or putting something else there which I tend to do and then thankfully it's as if God is snapping saying Hello I'm over here, you're not going to get anywhere worthwhile until you put your focus back on me. And it's true! I am so thankful that he always directs my focus back to him, and usually quickly, but I don't want to lose focus in the first place!

I like to look at the future, and have a plan. My mind set is, once you get here it's going to be easier...but that isn't true. Ecclesiastes talks about living in the now, and finding joy in it. It also says "enjoy your youth" and to "walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes." It is always important to look around verses, the verse goes on to say, "But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement." So in other words...Follow your heart...but your heart needs to be following God.

Gods intention is for us to enjoy life! So that's what I will do! I'll keep fixing my eyes back on him no matter how many times I have to do it, and stay humble. I don't deserve Gods mercy, and I never want to think that I am deserving or that I can do this on my own. Thank you God for your grace!

The book ends with this...

"Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil."

I want to follow God and I believe that as I follow him I will find joy in the now!

It’s so easy to forget

 that your mercy has redeemed us

 In the midst of all of this 

how could I believe 

that I am one bit deserving.

 ...

 I fix my eyes upon your cross 

I stand in amazement of your mercy that is 

new every morning

 that covers me 

and its all I need

 I'm so undeserving

...

Sometimes I get so caught up in this life 

and the lie that I can save myself

 and I get nowhere 

and I can’t see you

 but I want to

...

So I fix my eyes upon your cross 

I stand in amazement of your mercy that is

new every morning

 that covers me 

and its all I need

 I'm so undeserving

...

I don’t want to fall away

 I don’t wanna believe that I can measure up to you

 the only way that I am saved

 is through grace alone

 and I put my faith in you 

I put my faith in you

 I am so undeserving 

I’m so undeserving

 of your love

 and your mercy 

and your grace 

I’m so undeserving 

so undeserving 

...

 I fix my eyes upon your cross 

I stand in amazement of your mercy that is

new every morning

 that covers me 

and its all I need

 I'm so undeserving

Let love shine through...

Time goes by so fast! I cannot believe it is already summer! Well almost. My goal this summer is not to waste it, let me be more specific, I want to do things this summer that won't just be "in the moment" things, but things that will last forever!
 On August 23rd it will be Davids one year anniversary with us! I am so excited but there is also a reality that he could be gone soon. Same with the other boys! I can't even think about it without wanting to just cry, they mean so much to me! Rather than spending this summer dreading the day they might have to leave I want to be making memories with them. Memories that will stick with me and the boys! I want to set a good example for them and see them grow! I love seeing them work together and have conversations. David and Paedon, no matter how many times they get on my nerves, are so compassionate and loving. They're teaching me too!
I don't know why it is so hard for me to show compassion and kindness to my own biological sisters, but I need to be showing them extra love. I need to be living everyday as if it were my last...because it just might be! I want to let love shine through in the best of times and worst!
Lord, I am so sorry for my selfishness that seems to get in the way of everything! I never want to make people feel bad about themselves, I want to make them feel loved! Help me show the love and kindness you've shown me, to my family, and friends, and strangers. I don't want to keep my doors closed and never let anyone in God. My pride gets in the way so much of the time Lord. Even when I know I have done something wrong I never want to admit it. So I pray that you would open the doors of my heart, that love and kindness, and everything good would come pouring out onto those around me, and that I wouldn't try so hard to hide my faults! I fall so much God and I am so thankful that you never fail to pick me up again, thank you for the people you have put in my life to pick me up too! Help me to truly follow in your steps!

Open the doors of my heart

and let everything out

If we're all hiding

how will the world ever know

the greatness of our Lord

I'm gonna open up the doors

Day 40

I am looking forward to the rest of the year! Well looking forward to seeing where the Lord leads me and my family. I have to admit though I'm not super excited about going to college next year. I don't like change, and this will be a big one! I'm trusting the Lord though! Over the past forty days I have been way to focused on wanting to see immediate change! I don't like how my focus can get off of God so easily! I'm reading a book called, To know you more, I've only read a few pages, but it is good! I can relate to it so much! One of the things the author said really stuck out to me, he said, "... I can see that God didn't allow me to find fulfillment in the things of this world so that I would have a hunger for something deeper."  Even when my focus gets off of God, I am never able to find fulfillment in that, and just like he said I have a hunger inside of me for something more. As I continue on this journey I would like to say sorry to Dani, she's the one I asked to do this with me, plus she is family, and I haven't been treating her the way I should be. I love you Dani!  I want to be like Jesus and I am determined to follow in His steps,  and keep my focus on Him!